Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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