if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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