My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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