so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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