my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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