i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
