i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You can't special order awesome
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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