i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
