Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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