we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
