so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
what day is it and did you see me today?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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