My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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