I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
