I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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