I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
