im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
