She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i think my mom watched the whole time
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
