I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
