I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
