Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
