So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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