I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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