The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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