It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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