remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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