If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
