I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
