i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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