Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
