Your tits are I can't wait for
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
