I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
