did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
