Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
