i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
