I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
