I will die if light touches me.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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