You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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