I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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