Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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