I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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