well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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