the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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