Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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