My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
