I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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