Moan for me like Helen Keller
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
