My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
