Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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