I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
