I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
