the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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