I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When did angry sex become our thing?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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