I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
