just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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