Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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