Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
