Little spoons don't ask big questions
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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